Friday, December 20, 2013

Broken Heart...

Dear Sharae,

My heart is aching, it's the most horrible feeling...I don't wish it on anyone.

I'm writing you a letter, because it's all that I can do.

I just cannot believe that I'm never going to get to talk to you again.

Wee early yesterday morning I was folding clothes & thinking about all the things I needed to do. I made a mental note to text you so that we could plan your visit next weekend. You probably know I spend three weeks cleaning & organizing my house before you come to visit. I don't do that for ANYONE else, but I love for you to be proud of me when it looks like I've half way got my act together (when we both secretly know that I most certainly do not, ha). I doubt if I had texted you right then that I would have changed the course of events or altered fate, but I will live forever regretting that I didn't do it.

I will never forget the first time I talked to you. We had just moved to Cabot (I mean, JUST moved like that week) and knew not a soul. We signed Owen up for pee-wee football & I saw you at the first practice with stinker biscuit Cole & your beautiful baby boy, Carson. The first time we spoke was in Target (one of our favorite spots). Your crew & my crew out shopping on a Friday night, back then that has a hot date! Ha! Our husbands met that day too, thus the start of an inseparable friendship that would take them jetting all over the country on various hunting & fishing exhibitions.

We began bonding at football practice. Olivia & Carson sharing sippie cups & goldfish crackers, trying to sneak each other's paci! I have often thought we were completely insane sending our bitty kindergarten boys out to battle on the field in pads & helmets, what on earth were we thinking!?! Turns out, it was one of the best decisions I ever made...I gained one of the best friends I've ever had.

I remember during that time you guys were building your new house on Watercrest Lane. Oh, it was the most stunning piece of property I have ever laid eyes on! That pond, the ducks, the trees so large you couldn't put your arms around the trunks...it was a shady oasis, a divine retreat.  I lived for your building & decorating stories while we were cramped in that tiny (1,100 sq ft) box rental house on Rosebud Circle...paint colors, fabric swatches, pouring over Southern Living magazine (our original "pinterest"). You were my lifeline during those two years of Air Force life for us.

When we moved back to Tennessee, our friendship moved to a different level. Loading up the car & staying with the Bryant's or your car loaded up coming to stay with us, it was a circus that went from wild to completely crazy when we added Evan & Charlie Mac to the mix! I'll never forget the first time we all had a slumber party weekend and you & I came to realize that we both LIVED to go to bed early! How we LAUGHED! I was so fabulous that we were on the same page that way. I can still hear you saying "I LOVE my rest!" Ha!! & I said "Girl, ME too!"...

How many times did we go see Kenny Chesney?
Oh, how we loved us some Kenny!!!
I wish you had been with us the last time we saw him in Nashville & he was with Tim McGraw. Oh, that man & his TIGHT WHITE JEANS...I don't remember much else besides that! ;)

 I hate that I can't hear to talk on the phone, but with our lives as busy as they have been over the past five years being able to "talk" via text message has been such a blessing! One little conversation would go on all week long! Oh, how I loved our "talks". You have always been THE BEST mom, your kids have been so blessed.  You always made me want to be a better mother, a better christian, a better wife, a better cook...even though I'm way older than you (way, baby)...I've always wanted to be like you when I grow up.

Oh & thrifty...oh, my word! If there was a bargain, you would sniff it out...if there was a coupon code, you would hunt it down! Shopping for our kids, for our house, were were constantly texting about where to find the best deal & comparing notes on what those crazy kids were interested in!  That wallpaper for your powder room, did you ever get that put up? Oh, how we loved a good, classic Toile print! I'm tempted to go to the Verizon store & print out all of our "conversations" & crazy project details...I never want to forget any of them.

I don't want this to be real.

It can't be real.

I've texted you twice today & it's just starting to sink in that you are never going to text me back.
I am going to have to force myself to realize that you are never going to jerk my butt up for being weak & wimpy ever again. Your car loaded with kids is never going to roll in my driveway again. We are never going to decorate rooms from six hours away via text ever again.

I am going to have to force myself to be strong.

I can't do it.

My heart just aches.
I don't wish it on anyone.
Ever.


I love you, friend.
I will always, always love you.

Mandy






7 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

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  2. I just read your post and I'm so very sorry :( I know in time your heart will heal. Sending a prayer to you. xo nancy elizabeth

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  3. While I don't know what happened, it is clear that you are in pain over the loss of your friend. I am so very, very sorry. You are in my prayers.

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  4. OMG! What happened? I am so sorry for the loss of your friend! I have commented before when you have mentioned her because I found her blog through you and lived it! Then she just quit and I missed seeing her updates! :( again prayers for you and her family!

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  5. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like you had such a special friendship. Life is so unfair.

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  6. Mandy---you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know the details-don't need to---I hear, feel and see your pain and loss loud and clear. One thing I have to disagree with: "Never again will I...." I know, from personal experience, those that we hold dearest to us, DO NOT abandon us. Your friend WILL show up in ways you never expect or imagine....our minds cannot completely grasp the surreal....she may not be here---but she WILL be with you in ways you cannot fathom or accept right now...I lost my soul mate---I speak from experience. When you need it the very most, she WILL be there! I am so sorry for your loss-know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Sharon

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  7. Oh Mandy, I am so very sorry. Big hugs to you.

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